[Editor’s note: The nation’s last two winless teams … won?! And a second-straight Big Ten team from Michigan played itself into the Coveted Fifth Spot, barely edging out the Florida Gators.]
Inspirational thought of the week:
So, if this life repeats, will it be all the same
Every choice till death, the same as all the rest
Do not repeat my life, let me reach the other side
An effigy of souls in pain
Time is a flat circle
Time is a flat circle
— “Time is a Flat Circle,” Chaos Sculptor
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the back room of the tiki torch oil refinery where angry Cincinnati fans are preparing to storm the College Football Playoff selection committee’s hotel as if it were the castle in “Beauty and the Beast,” we long ago became believers in the inevitable truth that ultimately also powers the long-term vision of that CFP committee.
Newbie teams can make all the noise they want and even be granted temporary access into the big room atop the rankings, but in the end the old reliable schools that we have known all too well over the years will be the ones with a chair when the season’s music finally stops. Or, in the case of the Bottom 10, the ones left standing when all the chairs are taken.
And so it was that after several weeks atop the bottom of these rankings, the bougie Bottom 10 likes of UNLV and Arizona won their Week 10 games. And that opened the floodgates for a lot of old friends to come crashing back in.
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) November 9, 2021
It’s like receiving a warm hug from a long-lost cousin. Or being wrapped in your favorite blanket. If that cousin just got out of jail and if that blanket was lined with thumbtacks.
With apologies to Friedrich Nietzsche, Bill Hancock and Steve Harvey, here’s the 2021 post-Week 10 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Kansas Nayhawks (1-8)
When Arizona and unLv both won, that brought an end to the nation’s two longest losing streaks, at 20 and 14 respectively. So, who owns the longest slide now? Rock Chalk, baby, at eight in a row, tied with two other members of this week’s Bottom 10. Which two? We’re gonna make you read the whole thing to find out.
2. U-Can’t (1-8)
Sticking with our space-time continuum theme, many have asked why UConn would schedule back-to-back open dates, a weird quirk in their 2021 calendar and a midseason vacation that they just wrapped up. The answer? They sought to scarf down as many final meals as possible, just as anyone would want to do before being marched down Death Row … er, sorry, I mean into Death Valley. The Huskies travel to Clemson this weekend.
3. UMess (1-8)
Members of the CFP selection committee continue to wrestle with what exactly they should do with Oregon and Ohio State, as the Buckeyes look to be better now via the eye test, but the Ducks already won the head-to-head matchup with their September victory in the Horseshoe. We are in a similar situation, as UMass beat UConn four weeks ago, but has lost three straight in brutal fashion, including a defeat to FCS foe Rhode Island that resulted in the firing of its head coach. In other words, the Minutemen aren’t merely failing the eye test — after watching them, one must immediately undergo an eye wash.
4. Whew Mexico State (1-8)
The Other Aggies are counting down the days until they host UMass on Nov. 27 in what very well might be the Minutemen’s Pillow Fight of the Year of the Century, Part Deux. Between now and then, NMSU will visit Alabama and Kentucky. So the Aggies will not only be counting down the days to the UMass game; they will also be counting down the number of players still available and not laid up in the trainer’s room.
5. Meechigan State (8-1)
Last week the Wolverines occupied the Coveted Fifth Spot after Jim Harbaugh lost to Michigan State once again. And once again, an entire fan base had no idea how the Coveted Fifth Spot works and sent me a torrent of blue and maize Tweets that contained more f-bombs and threats of bodily harm than Sunday’s “Yellowstone” season premiere. Far be it from us to not include entire populations of states, now State finds itself in this regrettable state after following up its upset win over Michigan with an upset loss to Pur-don’t. We reached out to Florida head coach Dan Mullen for reaction to the Gators not being in this spot, but he was unavailable for comment because he was busy not recruiting.
Purdue gets the interception on the goal line as Dedrick Mackey rips the ball away from the wide receiver.
6. FI(not A)U (1-8)
The Butch Davis Farewell Tour continued with a 47-24 loss to Old Duh-Minions. The Panthers are one of the two teams tied with Kansas for the nation’s longest losing streak. After defeating the Long Island University Sharks in Week 1, they have lost eight straight. Now all Conference USA eyes are pointed toward a potential Bottom 10 Mega Bowl title game, FIU’s season-ending trip to …
7. Southern Missed (1-8)
And when we say “all Conference USA eyes,” we totally realize that by the time we get to the end of November, that might mean one pair of readers sitting on the floor of a vacated office that used to be C-USA headquarters.
8. Arkansaw State (1-8)
The Red Wolves are the third member of the eight-straight loss club, joining KU and FIU. Now they, ulm, will try to, ulm, get out of that club this, ulm, Saturday, when they, ulm, travel to ULM.
9. unLv (1-8)
The good news? UNLV not only won a game in which it was a 1.5-point underdog, but it also teamed up with New Mexico Not State to inch above the over/under of 45 by a scant three points. The bad news? When the Runnin’ Rebs got back home to Vegas on Saturday night, there were two guys waiting to talk to them named Mikey Manhands and Porkchop Paulie.
10. By The Time I Get To Arizona (1-8)
The Mildcats won their first game in more than two years by surviving a 10-3 shootout with Cow Berkley. The Bears were missing two dozen players because they tested positive for COVID, which caught them totally off guard because former Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers had assured them his immunization plan was totally foolproof.
Waiting list: Tulame, Indiana Who-siers, Vanderbilt Commode Doors, Georgia Southern Not State, US(not C)F, Akronmonious, Ohio Not State, Lose-iana Tech, holding “we’re gonna be OK” news conferences while fired assistants are packing their things, COVID-19.
Sourced from ESPN